Family, friends, heartache, new beginnings

2013 was a rough year for me, my mother (with whom I have no current relationship, nor desire to) being the basis for some really hard decisions I felt I was forced to make in my personal life.  As the holidays approached at the end of the year, I was reminded more and more of the fact that my family was no longer in my life – and I fell into a deep depression.  Not only was my immediate family directly affected, I know that many of my friends felt a distance from me because of the inner battle I was having with myself, for that I am truly sorry. 

Sometimes I think to myself…this never would have been a problem, if I hadn’t let people in.  The me of yesteryear rarely made good friends and starting in adulthood – held family at arm’s length; it was always easier that way; better to be able to pick up and leave at a moment’s notice – no regrets.  I don’t regret my current friendships, but I do regret closing people off and/or pushing people away.  I am sure I hurt people without intending to.  This is my escape mechanism.  This is what I do when I am afraid of getting hurt.  But I digress…

I had tried my best to keep in contact with my grandparents and family for the years since I had moved away.  I do have a heart.  I do love them.  Unfortunately the guilt about my relationship with my mother (or lack thereof) became too much to bear in 2013.  So, while I wanted ever so much for my grandparents (the people that had basically raised me as a child – gaining full custody of me at the end of Middle School) to know my husband and my children – I made the decision to step away from the family altogether.  I felt that it would be better not to have to make them choose between me and their daughter – that I was doing everyone a favor.  It was probably one of the worst decisions I have ever made.

On February 8, 2014 - I was home alone with the kids, sitting down to breakfast burritos when I got a call from my Uncle.  An Uncle I hadn’t heard from or spoken to in at least 10 years but for online communications here and there.  My heart dropped before I answered the phone.  I sat in shock – rolling my son’s burrito for him – as I learned that my healthy, active, strong, virile (not old enough for this to be happening) grandfather had suffered a stroke that morning.  The last conversation I had had with him had been to tell him I was stepping away from the family. 

He was dying and for all I knew he thought I walked away because I didn’t love him anymore.  My heart broke.  I have already lost one dad in my life (my biological dad passed when I was 12) and, while I knew and loved and had amazing memories of this one, I couldn’t bear to lose him without saying goodbye.  So I cancelled my week, booked a flight for that evening and went to his bedside in Florida – surrounded by family I had purposefully estranged from my life, saddened by the knowledge of what a mistake that had truly been.  He passed within about an hour of my arrival at the hospital – but I got to say goodbye, to tell him how I truly felt.  We all did.  No matter how dysfunctional or broken our family is/was/can be (isn’t everyone’s?), I know for a fact that my grandfather was loved.  He was surrounded by love when he passed.

I am glad I went.  I am glad I was able to help.  I am glad I reconnected with family.  Family is important, I have always known that.  I struggle daily with my inner demons and the memories of my past associated with my mother.  I struggle knowing that I didn’t push more, try harder, to make the situation in our family work better.  My kids should have known my grandpa – he was an amazing man.  He came from nothing and worked his ass off to be successful; he made miracles happen for his family.  He was the strongest person I have ever known and I miss him every single day.

This tragedy has taught me to reevaluate what is important in my life.  It has taught me to open my heart, even if I may get hurt; because happiness cannot be achieved when you close yourself off to the world.  My goal this year, even before my grandfather’s death, was to work on cultivating personal relationships/friendships.  I want to surround myself with people that want to be in my life.  I want to be uplifted, challenged and supported in my friendships/relationships.   The saying goes something like:  “you are the average of the 5 people closest to you in your life” – I want my average to be amazing.  I know that the people that love me are amazing and I look forward to growing old with them - laughing and sharing memories.

Cheers to you gramps!  May I be half the person you were and all of the person you told me I had the potential to become.   - Mimosa