Congratulations! Hopefully this was planned or at least a happy mistake. I bet you think you're prepared: you read Spock, Sears and Dr. New-trend, or skimmed through an edition of Parenting, or crawled the misinformation-net for hours, while blasting classical music into your uterus. You are fully prepared to be an attached or self-soothing, baby-wearing or bouncy chair, breast-is-best or Similac mom. Your parenting philosophy was written in stone the day you found out (or chose not to) the sex of the mutant prawn in your belly. The nursery is decorated black, red, and white for optimal stimulation. Your bed has a bassinet or a co-sleeper attached to it. You have a master’s degree in Baby Sign. Your pantry is stuffed with breast pump and baggies, or bottles and formula. The stockpile of cloths, Huggies, or flushables took over half of what used to be the linen closet. The Chiefs of Police and the Fire Department have declared your home baby-proof. The Health Department has declared your home suitable to be a hermetically-sealed, germ-free zone. You got this, sister…or, maybe not.
While all these things will help you feel prepared for motherhood, there are a lot of gaps to be filled in between. Babies DO not come with manuals no matter how many are sold on Amazon or at a brick and mortar. There are things you will only learn from experience. Your baby is as unique as any other human being on the planet. I don’t mean to be preachy. Take this as a PSA to prevent kitchen alcoholics, tiger moms, or helicopter parents. Your kids will thank me for it. If you are still reading, good, this means you are flexible. That’s the first key ingredient for a sane parent/happy child.
I know this will be hard but hear me out. Let go of the way things should or have to be because the Johnny-come-lately expert says that is how it is. Has your life thus far always gone as planned? (If it has, please contact me. I like watching volcanoes erupting and other natural disasters. Shit WILL happen out of the blue.) I do not expect you to take a woman with the pen name Sangria’s personal opinion to heart. We should all question people’s opinion, even if they have credentials.
In the 1920’s, behavioral psychologist J.B. Watson prescribed in his book Psychological Care of Infant and Child, to treat a child as a mini-adult, and to give a child little affection. The businesslike, stand-offish parenting would give adequate expectations for the adult world: when you are a grown up, no one hugs or loves you. Isn’t that the profile of a serial killer’s mom? Don’t judge the parents back then for widely accepting his theories. At least Dr. Watson made a slight improvement over the beat your children and the use children as cheap labor parenting of the 19th century.
Trust your instincts. If a book tells you to do something and your gut says no, don’t do it! Remember this mantra: you are the best parent for your child. However that baby got on your lap, you are the mama!
It’s ok to think your child is not perfect and don’t blame yourself when you see for the first time he/she is not. (Unless you’re mommy dearest, that bitch needed Prozac.) You will save yourself a lot of worry, disappointment, and heartache if you see your child as a flawed. They are as human as you are physically and mentally. Remember there is some nature over nurture. Like Jeff Foxworthy says, “When you mix raw sewage and swamp water, you’re not gonna git Evian.”
Glean from every resource available but only apply what works best for you and your child. It’s never going to be perfect. Join a mom’s club or spend time with friends who have children for support. Don’t do this with only a man for back up! Lesbians also need a village to bring this child up. The more faces and opinions the better, which will prepare your child for the real world better than not kissing their boo-boos to make it better. Have time to yourself (yes, you’re allowed). Most of all have a sense of humor. (A drink or two when you have that time away doesn’t hurt either!)
Cheers! Sangria, M.D.
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